I really wish I can write as frequent as a novel writer, but being a reseacher and writing technical reports most of my time has it's obligation. It's pretty much like a career person and at the same time like a student eagerly wanting to have her report marked with an A. The thing that scares me the most about doing Phd is how the hell am I going to develop something new? Sometimes I question my ability and my discipline with my pace of working in my everyday life. I know my working routine can never measure to Alexander Bell let alone Galileo. Oh imagine when I've decide to start a family. How can I devote my work even when now I still can seem to put full commitment on other little things that I like.
I've been married for more than a year now and some of my friends have been asking me how is it married life? They're curious about how is my social life and is it the same feeling as having a boyfriend? My answer would be "Of course it wouldn't be same but it depends".
For me, it was a drastic change. The transition was like between doing my undergraduate/master to doing a Phd. The thought of doing a Phd scared the shit load out of me but at the same time it I was excited like a lil kid first time to experience a roller coaster ride. I had the time of my life doing my master. Going to classes and by the time the day is almost over as if the burden of the day was lifted of my shoulder and tomorrow will be a new day. It's like we're living today to the fullest to survive the next day.The only time that was worrying was the exam week or when deadline of a major assignment is approaching. I knew I wasn't ready to give up that life.
So when I started my Phd soon enough it was something different. I have this constant worry and thinking that sometimes I can't sleep at night. Every single day I'm doing the same work over and over again thinking I could never finish this. It's like counting tax, it can never be over. But when I discover something new that is so little that I've spend months of searching by trying an error, the joy of it is something beyond. It's like being in love again for the first time.
It's like my married life. I was in love with my single life, commitment was the last thing on my mind. I had the time of my life when I was unmarried. Traveling around the world 4 times a year. Stay up all night long with friends to play board games without worrying I have to wake up early because class starts at 12pm tomorrow. Socializing, going here and there meeting new friends which names I still can't pronouce although introduced 3 times. And home was everywhere, sometimes north of London and the other time was south. I knew I wasn't ready to give up all that. Heck! I was having fun.
So when I got engaged to Fairuz 8 months after knowing him really and got married 3 months after, I was in shocked. I feel like some part of me was missing. And now that our marriage have been more than a year things has gotten routine in us. He and I would wake up every morning, I'll make lunch box for him, he went off to office and I'll travel to central to my school, come back home n off to bed. Things repeated weekdays. Socializing has been less let alone to travel 4 times a year.
But you know, hidden deep beneath the routine I'd still look forward everyday when I come back home I know I'll be seeing his face with his smart attire. Even when I had a really bad day that's when a kiss and a hug make the burden dissapear everytime. Knowing that I'll be having homecook dinner with someone instead of a take away fish and chips.
The security that I'll have someone I can count on anywhere and everytime I'd get into trouble. Even so he will never ever say no to lend a hand even if he's in msia, I'm in UK, he'll come right after like superman. The surprise I always had on my face when I didn't need to say a thing about wanting to eat dominos but he just knew. And oh the sensation of holding hands in public and the intimate secret that we share without the feeling of awkwardness. Not to forget, the phone bill that is never exceeded 30 quid. It isn't bad at all, on weekend I still got to see my friends and play board games and travel abit. The idea of our shared future is certain and as we layout our plans. It's the feeling of the comfortness is beyond.
Though it's not the same as a single life. It's ok to have certain changes happening around. Be it drastically or gradually. The changes in ones life simply means we are moving forward and growing up. It's bliss.